Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone: An Abridged Script
by cluelessclown
Summary: Satire is a lesson, parody is a game. Then I guess that playing with Harry Potter is pretty awesome.


**Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone: An Abridged Script**

...

**Ext. Privet Drive, Surrey.**

PROFESSOR ALBUS DUMBLEDORE aka RICHARD HARRIS walks into scene with a SUPER COOL DELLUMINATOR in his hand. PROFESSOR MINERVA McGONAGALL changes from a cat to MAGGIE SMITH's body, 'cause she's just that cool.

MAGGIE SMITH: Oh RICHARD, do you think it will be WISE to leave THE BOY WHO LIVED in the house of these FILTHY, CHILD-ABUSING MUGGLES?

RICHARD HARRIS: Please MAGGIE, like you don't know the end of this story. Now let me STIR SOME DRAMA by TELLING THE AUDIENCE that HARRY POTTER aka DANIEL RADCLIFFE WILL HAVE TO SURVIVE HIS UNCLE, AUNT AND COUSIN'S COMPANY FOR SEVENTEEN YEARS BECAUSE IT WOULDN'T BE SAFE FOR HIM IN THE MAGICAL WORLD. And obviously, because the main character is always NICER and easier to SYMPATHIZE WITH when he's been through many STRUGGLES.

RUBEUS HAGRID aka ROBBIE COLTRANE comes into scene carrying a scrawny little baby in his arms.

ROBBIE COLTRANE: Brought 'im 'ere all the way from GODRIC'S HOLLOW. The lil' thing fell asleep while we flew over BRISTOL.

RH: Like I needed to know that. Well anyways, HAND THE THING OVER.

ROBBIE COLTRANE hands the baby to RICHARD HARRIS and goes sulking to THE CORNER.

RH: Let's leave a RANDOM LETTER over here and just hope these PALEOLITHIC MUGGLES don't hand him over to an orphanage.

RICHARD HARRIS backs away. HARRY'S SCAR starts shining. Intro theme music and movie logo.

**Ext. The Cupboard Under The Stairs, Privet Drive.**

HARRY POTTER aka DANIEL RADCLIFFE is sleeping when his dear cousin DUDLEY DURSLEY aka HARRY MELLING starts stomping on the staircase in a PATHETIC ATTEMPT to wake HARRY up.

HARRY MELLING: Come on you SCRAWNY LITTLE WASTE OF SKIN, we're going to the zoo!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE: Well YAY FOR YOU, you FAT MORSE.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE walks to the kitchen, where UNCLE VERNON aka RICHARD GRIFFITHS and AUNT PETUNIA aka FIONA SHAW are showing DUDLEY all his presents.

HM: How many are there?

RICHARD GRIFFITHS: Thirty-six.

HM: THIRTY-SIX? OMG dad I'm SO killing you! Last year there were THIRTY-NINE fabulous and stupendous presents!

FIONA SHAW: Well, don't worry, my dear LITTLE ROTTEN BRAT OF A SON, we'll go to the zoo so you can ALWAYS GET WHAT YOU WANT AND PROVE THE AUDIENCE YOU'RE THE BAD GUY IN THE MOVIE FOR THE TIME BEING.

RG: Let's go, I want to make use of our RIDICULOUSLY LIMITED MINUTES ONSCREEN.

HM: If it were for me, this movie would be called DUDLEY DURSLEY AND THE PHILOSOPHER'S STONE. Go to HELL, JK Rowling.

**Ext. the Snake House in a RANDOM ZOO somewhere close to LONDON.**

DANIEL RADCLIFFE is RANDOMLY TALKING TO A SNAKE when his cousin comes in. DANIEL, making use of his GREAT, UNKNOWN MAGICAL POWERS, makes the glass vanish and therefore HARRY MELLING falls into the snake's cage. RICHARD is SPITTING FIRE.

**Ext. Number Four, Privet Drive.**

DANIEL RADCLIFFE receives a LETTER FROM NO-ONE. RICHARD is SPITTING FIRE once again, something he'll do MOST OF THE TIME HE'S ON SCREEN. Letters start arriving daily.

DR: OMG, I feel LOVED!

RG: Well don't, WE'RE LEAVING THIS PLACE!

HM: Mum, Dad has gone BONKERS!

FS: Like we didn't KNOW THAT ALREADY.

**Ext. A shack in a small island in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean.**

DR: Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me –

RUBEUS HAGRID aka ROBBIE COLTRANE smashes open the door.

RG: WTF?

RC: Yer a bit fatter than las' time, HARREH.

HM: My real name MIGHT be HARRY MELLING, but I'm DUDLEY in this movie, you BLITHERING IDIOT.

FS: Now don't you steal other characters' lines, HARRY. It's RUDE.

RC: So this is not HARRY POTTER?

DR: It's me!

RC: AWESOME DANIEL. You've your MOTHER'S EYES, which is doubtlessly a METAPHORICAL TRAIT of yours, as you will be reminded every twenty minutes in EVERY MOVIE.

DR: Cool. But why is a GIGANTIC, BEARDY MAN here, UNCLE and AUNT?

RC: Yer a WIZARD, Harry.

FS: Oh, REALLY? What told you that? The VANISHING GLASS, the LETTERS FROM NO-ONE or the fact that he has a MYSTERIOUS BOLT-SHAPED SCAR IN HIS FOREHEAD?

DR: You KNEW IT?

FS: Of course we did. How would you have not been a wizard, being your mother and father what they were. FREAKS.

RC: The technical name is WIZARDS.

FS: Oh, WHATEVER. (Enter Aunt Petunia's dramatic story about her RUTHLESS ENVY towards her little sister).

RC: So yeh gonna come to the MAGIC WORLD, DANIEL?

DR: Sure! FUCK THIS SHIT, I'm OFF TO HOGWARTS. (To HARRY, RICHARD and FIONA) So long, SUCKERS.

**Ext. Diagon Alley.**

DANIEL RADCLIFFE is feeling WONDERED by the WIZARDING WORLD, where he is a real CELEBRITY. He meets some cool GOBLINS in the GRINGOTT'S BANK.

WARWICK DAVIS: I will also be your CHARMS PROFESSOR, DANIEL.

DR: Why's that? Were the producers SHORT ON PEOPLE?

WD: Not funny, RADCLIFFE.

DR: What's it with the height, WARWICK? Bet you can get your pants on like REALLY FAST.

WD: Oh SHUT UP, DANIEL RADCLIFFE.

**Ext. King's Cross.**

DR: Well I'm off to HOGWARTS at last. This is SO EXCITING.

RC: Take care, shorty. Here's the GOLDEN TICKET, whose colour is DOUBTLESSLY SYMBOLIC meaning that it is the ticket to your FREEDOM and a BETTER LIFE.

DR: Thanks ROBBIE. Given you're ABOUT TO DISAPPEAR, I'll go find that REDHEAD FAMILY who will undoubtedly BECOME MY WIZARDING FAMILY within the next couple of movies.

DANIEL walks over to the family of redheads standing in front of the barrier. PERCY WEASLEY aka CHRIS RANKIN has just disappeared through the barrier. FRED AND GEORGE WEASLEY aka JAMES AND OLIVER PHELPS are standing with their mother and sister, MOLLY WEASLEY aka JULIE WALTERS and GINNY WEASLEY aka BONNIE WRIGHT.

JULIE WALTERS: Now it's your turn, JAMES. (Points at JAMES)

JAMES PHELPS: I'm not JAMES, he's JAMES!

OLIVER PHELPS: Seriously woman, how can you CALL YOURSELF OUR MOTHER?

JW: I'm tired of this. Come ON, OLIVER. (Points at JAMES)

JP: Just kidding, I'M JAMES.

JAMES and OLIVER PHELPS disappear through the barrier. DANIEL RADCLIFFE is PEEING HIS PANTS IN PURE FRIGHT.

BW: Mum, I think this STRANGER WHOM I WILL END UP MARRYING needs help to get to through the barrier.

JW: Oh, you're a first year? My RONNIE (aka RUPERT GRINT) is also a first year. You just have to go through the barrier with your trolley, it'll be all right.

DR: Hm, have you ever heard of the LAWS OF SCIENCE? They basically say PEOPLE CAN'T GET THROUGH SOLID OBJECTS.

JW: Sorry? As you might have seen, we're PURE-BLOOD WIZARDS, so we haven't got a RUDDY IDEA of what the MUGGLE WORLD is like.

DR: DUH, fine.

**Ext. Hogwarts Express.**

DANIEL RADCLIFFE enters a compartment where RUPERT GRINT is sitting.

RUPERT GRINT: Hello ELEVEN-YEAR-OLD STRANGER WHOM I HAVE NEVER SEEN BEFORE. I'm RONALD BILIUS WEASLEY, the SOULLESS REDHEAD who will become your SIDEKICK AND BEST FRIEND and will HELP YOU OUT OF STICKY SITUATIONS WITHIN THE NEXT SEVEN YEARS. You?

DR: I'm HARRY, HARRY POTTER. (Shows the scar on his forehead)

RG: NO BLOODY WAY!

The two boys start getting involved in what will become a LIFETIME, UNBREAKABLE FRIENDSHIP with its HIGHS AND ITS LOWS. They EAT CANDIES till they're full and admire RUPERT's small, old pet rat which will later on become THE TRAITOR WHO ALLOWED VOLDEMORT TO KILL JAMES AND LILY POTTER.

A while later, HERMIONE GRANGER aka EMMA WATSON pops into their compartment.

EMMA WATSON: Hello my FUTURE BEST FRIEND AND HUSBAND, have either of you seen a toad? A boy named NEVILLE LONGBOTTOM (aka MATTHEW LEWIS) has lost his.

DR: Nopey.

EW: Oh, you're doing MAGIC? (Looks at RUPERT who has pulled his wand out and is pointing at PETER PETTIGREW aka FUTURE TIMOTHY SPALL) I'd LIKE TO SEE YOU TRY.

RUPERT GRINT attempts to perform a magic trick but fails dramatically.

EW: We're about to arrive, so you'd better get your robes on. I'll see you again when I'm ready to PESTER YOU ABOUT HOMEWORK.

**Ext. The Great Hall, Hogwarts.**

TOM FELTON: OMG I'm so gonna be your WORST ENEMY, DANIEL RADCLIFFE.

DR: Like I care. The AUDIENCE loves me, bitch.

TF: (sulks)

The first years walk into the GREAT HALL. EMMA WATSON is PESTERING MATTHEW LEWIS about the charm on the ceiling. SUSAN BONES aka ELEANOR COLUMBUS walks to the SORTING HAT (voiced by LESLIE PHILIPS) and is sorted into HUFFLEPUFF. Same happens with no suprises to EMMA WATSON, RUPERT GRINT and TOM FELTON, the first two going to GRYFFINDOR and the latter to SLYTHERIN.

MAGGIE SMITH: DANIEL RADCLIFFE, your turn to get your arse on the stool and the hat on your head.

DR: All righto.

DANIEL RADCLIFFE takes a seat.

LESLIE PHILIPS: You could do really well in SLYTHERIN! But that's only because VOLDEMORT aka RALPH FIENNES transferred some of his MAGICAL ABILITIES to you, which you will discover in the FOLLOWING MOVIE.

DR: (sulks) But I don't wanna be a SLYTHERIN!

LP: OK, we'll see what we can do then. GRYFFINDOR!

DANIEL RADCLIFFE is HAPPY and goes to sit with RUPERT GRINT given that he and EMMA WATSON aren't friends yet. JAMES AND OLIVER PHELPS and CHRIS RANKIN are there too.

J&O PHELPS: We GOT POTTER, bitches!

DR: Say CHRIS, who is that GUY sitting next to QUINIUS QUIRREL aka IAN HART?

CHRIS RANKIN: Well he's SEVERUS SNAPE aka ALAN RICKMAN, he's gonna be the BAD GUY and a BULLY OF YOURS until the LAST MOVIE in which he will prove he LOVED YOUR MOTHER AND ALWAYS TOOK CARE OF YOU.

DR: Sounds MEAN. I'd better watch off.

**Ext. TRANSFIGURATION lesson.**

RG: OMG we're SO LUCKY that OLD WITCH isn't here yet.

MAGGIE SMITH turns into her HUMAN SELF.

MS: Said what, WEASLEY BOY?

DR: Now that's spooky.

**Ext. POTIONS lesson.**

ALAN RICKMAN: Hello everyone, particularly you DANIEL RADCLIFFE. Along with TOM FELTON I will be your GREATEST ENEMY in HOGWARTS, that is until you find out that VOLDY IS BACK.

DR: How nice.

AR: Seems like our new celebrity wants to PLAY COOL.

DR: Yup. (...) YAY BREAKTIME. See you, GREASY HAIRED GIT.

**Ext. Flying lesson.**

DR: I'm OBVIOUSLY gonna KILL IT today. I'm a NATURAL WITH MY BROOM.

EW: How HUMBLE.

MADAM HOOCH aka ZOE WANAMAKER: Welcome to FLYING CLASS. Of course some of you are going to SUCK in this class and others are going to be BRILLIANT, but it's still compulsory so I'm gonna be the PARALLELISM TO A MUGGLE PHYS ED TEACHER and SLAUGHTER YOU WITH FLYING EXERCISES. Ready?

Everyone attempts to make their BROOMS come up by themselves. DANIEL RADCLIFFE and TOM FELTON achieve this at once, whilst EMMA WATSON feels terribly frustrated because she isn't the best in something whilst RUPERT GRINT is KINDLY HIT IN THE FACE by his own BROOM. They all MOUNT THEIR BROOMS, but MATTHEW LEWIS flies up randomly and DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO GET BACK DOWN.

MATTHEW LEWIS: And to think that I'll be a HERO in FOUR MOVIES' TIME...ow crap, I BROKE MY ARM.

ZW: I'm gonna go take MATTHEW to the infirmary. I know that TOM and DANIEL will enter a FLYING DISPUTE ABOUT MATTHEW'S REMEMBRALL, but I have to leave in order to allow DANIEL to become a member of the GRYFFINDOR QUIDDITCH TEAM. BRB, people.

TF: Ha-ha. MATTHEW just lost his REMEMBRALL. Funny to think he'd broken it with his COLOSSAL BUTT if he'd fallen on top of it.

DR: You are SO gonna pay TOM. Gimme the REMEMBRALL!

TF: WHEN PIGS FLY!

TOM storms off with his BROOM and is followed by DANIEL who ignores EMMA's wise and boring words. TOM tosses the ball to the air, and DANIEL does an INCREDIBLY AWESOME SAVE and catches the REMEMBRALL before it hits MAGGIE SMITH'S office window. The crowd of first years CHEERS but when MAGGIE SMITH comes downstairs everyone falls silent.

DR: Uh-oh.

EW: Guess who's getting EXPELLED...

RG: Don't be silly, EMMA. You and I both know he's gonna get picked for the GRYFFINDOR QUIDDITCH TEAM, and therefore become the YOUNGEST QUIDDITCH PLAYER OF THE CENTURY.

EW: How do you know that?

RG: Bitch please, we're talking about HARRY POTTER.

**Ext. Quidditch field.**

SEAN BIGGERSTAFF: Hello I am OLIVER WOOD aka SEAN BIGGERSTAFF, team captain for GRYFFINDOR. I'm a NICE GUY, although I'm sometimes a bit of a QUIDDITCH NAZI. You'll enjoy it.

DR: What's that in your hand?

SB: Oh, this is a SNITCH. You've gotta find this and we'll win 200 points.

DR: I like it.

SB: Oh, you LIKE it now? Well, you'll LIKE IT MORE WHEN IT BRINGS BACK YOUR DEAD MOTHER.

DR: I like it cos it's SHINY.

**Ext. Trophey Room**

DANIEL, EMMA and RUPERT are DROOLING OVER JAMES POTTER'S GRYFFINDOR SEEKER BADGE, which is DOUBTLESSLY A METAPHOR implying that Harry will be a BRILLIANT SEEKER, a COMMON ERROR in the movies given that JAMES POTTER was actually a CHASER.

EW: Let's go back to the COMMON ROOM, I need to finish my HOMEWORK.

RG: You're BORING, EMMA.

The three of them walk up the stairs, which CASUALLY TURN AND LEAD THEM TO THE THIRD FLOOR. ARGUS FILCH aka DAVID BRADLEY hears them and the three kids RUN FOR THEIR LIVES.

DR: This door is LOCKED, which means we SHOULDN'T GO INSIDE but we OBVIOUSLY WILL ANYWAY!

EW: ALOHOMORA!

RG: Hey, aren't we MISSING NEVILLE?

DR: That was in the BOOK, RUPERT.

DANIEL, EMMA and RUPERT find themselves in front of a THREE-HEADED DOG. They SCREAM THEIR LUNGS OUT AND RUN FOR THEIR LIVES until they arrive to the GRYFFINDOR COMMON ROOM.

RG: Bloody HELL! Why is there SUCH A BEAST in the school?

DR: We're talking about HOGWARTS, RUPERT. It's pretty NORMAL to have a THREE-HEADED DOG here, as you'll find out in LATER MOVIES.

EW: Obviously I was NOT that scared, so I NOTICED something UNDER THE BEAST'S FEET. It's obviously HIDING SOMETHING.

DR: You're KIDDING.

EW: Nopey. But I've told you this because I wanna be COOL, so now I've told you I'll GO TO BED before we get KILLED, or worse, EXPELLED.

EMMA WATSON stalks off.

RG: She really needs to SORT OUT HER PRIORITIES.

**Ext. CHARMS lesson.**

WARWICK DAVIS: Take a seat, everyone.

DR: I told you they were SHORT ON CAST.

RG: That was FUNNY, DANIEL. Well now, even though I'm your NEW BEST FRIEND, I'm gonna go sit with someone I ABSOLUTELY HATE but will end up MARRYING, EMMA WATSON.

DR: All righto, I'm gonna go seat with PYROMANIAC SEAMUS FINNIGAN, aka DEVON MURRAY.

WD: Well, let's GET STARTED. Swish and flick, WINGARDIUM LEVIOSA.

Everyone gets started with the SWISH AND FLICK.

RG: WINGARDIUM LEVIOSAAAAAAAA! (Random wand swishing)

EW: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF MAGIC, stop it! You're OBVIOUSLY doing it wrong. See how it's done, only I can DO IT PROPERLY given I'm the SMARTEST WITCH OF OUR AGE.

EMMA WATSON performs the spell successfully. RUPERT GRINT groans. Somewhere behind them, DEVON MURRAY successfully blows up his feather.

RG: OMG EMMA you're such a NERD. No wonder you've NO FRIENDS.

EW: (sulks and walks away)

**Ext. Halloween Feast**

DANIEL RADCLIFFE, RUPERT GRINT, MATTHEW LEWIS and many other IRRELEVANT SECONDARY CHARACTERS enjoy dinner.

DR: OMG RUPERT you were SO mean to EMMA.

RG: Like she didn't deserve it.

IAN HART: TROOOOOOOLL! TROOOOOOLL IN THE DUNGEONS!

IAN HART faints in the spot and MAYHEM breaks in the GREAT HALL. TOM FELTON can be seen SQUEALING LIKE A LITTLE GIRL, not unlike DANIEL, RUPERT, MATTHEW and many others.

RH: Come on you people, BACK TO YOUR DORMS.

DR: Obviously we're gonna SKIP RULES and GO FETCH EMMA.

RG: But that's NOT GOOD!

DR: Seriously? We're RUPERT and DANIEL. We never FOLLOW RULES.

**Ext. Girls' Bathroom**

EMMA WATSON is BAWLING HER EYES OUT when she realizes the TROLL is actually IN FRONT OF HER. She BACKS AWAY and SCREAMS LIKE THERE'S NO TOMORROW until DANIEL and RUPERT arrive.

DR: We're gunna KILL A TROLL!

RG: We're FABULOUS.

EW: I may sound TOTALLY CLICHE – but HELP ME!

DANIEL is caught from his ankle by the TROLL. EMMA is sulking in THE CORNER and RUPERT takes out his WAND.

EW: SWISH AND FLICK, RUPERT!

RG: WINGARDIUM LEVIOSA!

The TROLL's club falls on top of its head, making the TROLL PASS OUT. The GOLDEN TRIO is now together again.

EW: OMG you two are SO my NEW BEST FRIENDS.

RG: Now that's a PROGRESS.

MAGGIE SMITH, IAN HART, ALAN RICKMAN and other MINOR PROFESSORS arrive to the GIRL'S BATHROOM.

MS: What are you THREE doing here?

DR: Better get USED TO IT, it's gonna happen all over the next SEVEN MOVIES.

EMMA WATSON decides to save RUPERT'S and DANIEL'S necks. The three of them become BEST FRIENDS FOR LIFE. DANIEL notices ALAN RICKMAN has been hurt in the ANKLE, and starts SUSPECTING OF HIM.

**Ext. Quidditch Field**

DANIEL is doing a SUPERB JOB in his first QUIDDITCH MATCH until someone starts CURSING HIS BROOM. EMMA however is there to SAVE THE DAY and SET FIRE TO ALAN RICKMAN'S ROBES, which DEVON MURRAY obviously loves. DANIEL is finally successful and catches the SNITCH. PARTY HARD in the GRYFFINDOR COMMON ROOM tonight.

**Ext. Hogwarts Grounds**

EMMA, RUPERT and DANIEL are having a walk with ROBBIE COLTRANE.

RC: There is no WAY that ALAN RICKMAN would have hexed DANIEL'S BROOM.

EW: Oh, for the LOVE OF MAGIC, I saw ALAN MUMBLING A HEX!

DR: Plus he's a REAL BADASS.

RG: Imagine him in the SHOWER singing I WILL SURVIVE?

DR: I'm sure he's UP TO SOMETHING RELATED TO WHAT FLUFFY'S GUARDING.

RC: That only concerns RICHARD HARRIS and NICOLAS FLAMEL.

RG: NICOLAS FLAMEL?

RC: ...crap.

DR: Thanks ROBBIE. We're off to MISCHIEF MAKING.

**Ext. Snowy Castle**

EW: Well, I'm OFF FOR CHRISTMAS. Seeing that DANIEL'S parents are DEAD and RUPERT's are in ROMANIA, I'm gonna DITCH THEM FOR TWO WEEKS and enjoy my holidays.

RG: We've heard, EMMA.

**Ext. Gryffindor Common Room, Christmas Day**

RG: Merry Christmas, DANIEL! We've PRESENTS!

DR: OMG really? I feel LOVED!

DANIEL opens his many BORING, IRRELEVANT PRESENTS until he finds a SOFT PACKAGE which he immediately decides to like.

DR: Oh...a BLACK CLOTH.

RG: I bet that's REALLY useful.

DR: Well, a least I can PLAY BATMAN (puts the CLOAK on and runs around the COMMON ROOM.) NANANANANA BATMAN!

RG: OMG DANIEL! You're INVISIBLE!

DR: WHAT THE...OMG you're RIGHT! I'm INVISIBLE!

RG: I bet that's an INVISIBILITY CLOAK.

DR: Oh, REALLY? Well done, CAPTAIN OBVIOUS! Well, I've a WONDERFUL, TERRIFIC INVISIBILITY CLOAK THAT MIGHT HELP ME TO DO AMAZING MISCHIEF MAKING – I think I'm gonna go to the LIBRARY.

**Ext. Restricted Section**

HARRY opens a book which YELLS at him. He scurries off DAVID BRADLEY's sight with his INVISIBILITY CLOAK and finds IAN HART and ALAN RICKMAN arguing. He can't manage to hear what they're saying, but blames ALAN to try and bring IAN to the DARK SIDE, seeing DANIEL visualizes him as a GREASY HAIRED, EVIL FOLLOWER OF VOLDY. DANIEL then scurries into a ROOM where he finds a SYMBOLIC MIRROR in which he sees the reflection of his PARENTS.

DR: MUM! DAD!

JAMES POTTER aka ADRIAN RAWLINS: Don't get too HAPPY, boy. We're just ILLUSIONS OF YOUR MOST DESIRED DREAMS.

DR: How SPOOKY, nevertheless AWESOME. I'm gonna show this to RUPERT.

DANIEL and RUPERT come back and DANIEL shoves RUPERT in front of the MIRROR.

DR: Do you see MUMMY and DADDY?

RG: Who? I see myself SNOGGING RECKLESSLY WITH EMMA WAT – I mean, being HEAD BOY and QUIDDITCH TEAM CAPTAIN.

DR: Go to HELL.

**Ext. Hagrid's Hut**

After a LIGHT READING from EMMA WATSON of HOGWARTS, A HISTORY, she tells DANIEL and RUPERT about the PHILOSOPHER'S STONE. The threesome decide to PAY A VISIT TO ROBBIE COLTRANE.

DR: Obviously ALAN RICKMAN wants to get the STONE!

RC: That is SILLY. He is actually PROTECTING the STONE. Now let me TAKE CARE OF THIS HATCHING DRAGON EGG.

RG: But aren't dragons ILLEGAL IN THE UK?

RC: Yep, but I'm sure I can HANDLE it.

DR: Oh wow ROBBIE, you're such a BADASS.

RC: This is NORBERT, you people.

DR: What a GAY NAME.

EW: Look! TOM FELTON is CASUALLY STARING AT US THROUGH THE WINDOW!

RG: Oops, I sense trouble.

The GOLDEN TRIO goes back to the school and are caught by MAGGIE SMITH.

MS: You four are going to have DETENTION with ROBBIE COLTRANE tomorrow.

TF: FOUR? I thought it was only them THREE.

MS: Well obviously you don't know how to COUNT, Mr. FELTON.

**Ext. The Forbidden Forest**

ROBBIE COLTRANE, EMMA WATSON and RUPERT GRINT are going to the left and TOM FELTON and DANIEL RADCLIFFE are going to the right. TOM is PEEING HIS PANTS IN FRIGHT, whilst DANIEL walks ahead. They find UNICORN BLOOD, and a NASTY, DARK FIGURE threatens DANIEL, but he is saved by a CENTAUR named FIRENZE aka RAY FEARON.

RAY FEARON: Take care, Mr. RADCLIFFE. Dark times lay ahead of us.

DR: Like you're the only one who knows that, HALF-PONY. Now take me back to ROBBIE COLTRANE.

**Ext. the Gryffindor Common Room**

RG: So you are IMPLYING that VOLDEMORT wants the PHILOSOPHER'S STONE and ALAN RICKMAN is here to fetch it for him?

DR: Exactly.

EW: But VOLDEMORT fears RICHARD HARRIS. He won't touch you while he's still around.

RG: But he'll die before THE PRISONER OF AZKABAN gets filmed, EMMA.

EW: Then he'll pass on to fearing MICHAEL GAMBON.

DR: Let's go visit ROBBIE. Oh, my scar is HURTING SO MUCH.

**Ext. Hagrid's Hut**

DR: Who GAVE YOU THE EGG, ROBBIE?

RC: Didn' see his face, HARREH. But I told 'im 'bout 'ow to CALM DOWN FLUFFY, with the help o' MUSIC. Oh CRAP, I SLIPPED MY TONGUE AGAIN. HOW CONVENIENT.

The GOLDEN TRIO goes to talk to MAGGIE SMITH about the PHILOSOPHER'S STONE.

MS: I don't KNOW nor CARE how did you find out about the STONE. But RICHARD HARRIS is out of the school today, so it's obviously a PERFECT DATE for VOLDEMORT to steal the STONE. Now have a good day.

RG: We have to find the stone TODAY, DANIEL.

DR: Like we didn't KNOW THAT ALREADY, RUPERT.

**Ext. Gryffindor Common Room, nighttime.**

RUPERT, EMMA and DANIEL have SCURRIED OUT OF THEIR BEDROOMS. MATTHEW LEWIS is sitting in the COMMON ROOM, waiting for them.

ML: OMG I can't believe you're gonna RISK making GRYFFINDOR lose even more POINTS.

DR: Stand out of the way, MATTHEW.

ML: I'll FIGHT YOU!

EW: BITCH PLEASE, I'm a Class-A sorceress. PETRIFICUS TOTALUS.

MATTHEW falls to the floor, petrified.

RG: Sorry 'bout that, man.

DR: We'll get you back to your normal state when we're back, MATTHEW.

**Ext. Third Floor**

FLUFFY is still ASLEEP, which is QUITE CONVENIENT FOR THE GOLDEN TRIO but at the same time implies that ALAN RICKMAN HAS ALREADY BEEN HERE.

DR: How am I supposed to get its PAW out of the TRAPDOOR?

RG: PUSH!

They successfully get the PAW out of their way. MUSIC has stopped but they haven't NOTICED.

DR: I'll go FIRST, given I'm the MAIN CHARACTER IN THE SERIES.

RG: OMG DOG DROOL!

There are HOPELESS SCREAMS and the three children end up JUMPING TOGETHER. They end up falling on top of some SOFT, CUDDLY AND NEVERTHELESS DEATHLY PLANTS.

EW: Guys, CHILL! It's a DEVIL'S SNARE. You gotta RELAX, otherwise it'll KILL YOU.

RG: Yeah, 'cause it's so EASY to relax when you know you might DIE.

EMMA WATSON disappears under the DEVIL'S SNARE. RUPERT GRINT can't stop yelling, while DANIEL RADCLIFFE closes his eyes and tries to RELAX. He is successful and lands next to EMMA.

RG: OMG I'M GONNA DIE! MUMMY, HELP!

EW: Why won't he STAY PUT?

DR: We're talking about RUPERT GRINT, EMMA.

EW: I know, I know! As the FORMER BRAINIAC I am, I know that the DEVIL'S SNARE can't stand SUNLIGHT. So I'm gonna throw a RANDOM, UNCREDITED SPELL towards it so I can SAVE MY FUTURE HUSBAND.

RUPERT GRINT lands next to them successfully and so the GOLDEN TRIO walks towards their next task. DANIEL mounts a broom and has to find the KEY fitting into the next DOOR. As a GREAT, BEAUTIFUL METAPHOR, the chosen key is an OLD, BATTERED ONE, which DANIEL catches easily. The three of them stalk off to their next TASK.

**Ext. Lifesize Chessboard**

RG: Finally something I'M good at!

EW: There are MISSING PIECES!

DR: Once again, EMMA WATSON proves she's the smart one of our GOLDEN TRIO.

RG: I think we have to PLAY in order to GET THROUGH! DANIEL, you'll be a BISHOP, EMMA, you'll be a ROOK, and I'll be a KNIGHT. 'Cause I'm just that COOL.

RUPERT commands the other CHESSMEN. The GOLDEN TRIO is winning the GAME, and is only a few movements away from CHECKMATING.

RG: OMG nooooo. I'm gonna have to SACRIFICE MYSELF in order to WIN.

DR: Don't do it, RUPERT!

RG: I have to, DANIEL. Aside from WINNING, it is also the SOURCE OF A GREAT METAPHOR WHICH IMPLIES I'D DO ANYTHING FOR MY FRIENDS.

RUPERT moves his KNIGHT and is thrown off it by the WHITE QUEEN. DANIEL CHECKMATES the WHITE KING and tells EMMA to TAKE CARE OF RUPERT, while he moves on to the ROOM OF THE MIRROR.

**Ext. Room of the Miror**

DANIEL walks into the ROOM and finds IAN HART looking at his REFLECTION in the MIRROR.

DR: YOU! Why – ? What – ? OMG NO MY THEORY HAS BEEN DESTROYED. How am I gonna BLAME ALAN RICKMAN for BULLYING me in class now?

IH: Now you've seen I'm a real BADASS. I tried to KILL you in the QUIDDITCH MATCH and you didn't even NOTICE! STUPID BOY.

DR: So ALAN was only trying to PROTECT me?

IH: Exactly, as you'll REALIZE in the LAST MOVIE when you VISUALIZE HIS MEMORIES in the PENSIEVE. Until then, you will FORGET that he actually CARES for you and you will RUTHLESSLY BLAME HIM for everything that happens in your life.

DR: So you freed the TROLL too? What a BADASS.

IH: MWAHAHAHAHAH, and guess what you MUNDANE, SILLY BOY? I've VOLDY IN THE BACK OF MY HEAD!

DR: WTF? How did he GET THERE?

IH: It is IRRELEVANT to explain that in a MOVIE ADAPTATION, so I suggest that the PART OF THE AUDIENCE WHO HAVEN'T READ THE BOOKS do read them just for the SAKE OF FINDING OUT.

DR: Yeah, that way they can get to know that NEVILLE WAS ALSO IN THE FOREST when the whole UNICORN THINGY happened.

IH: Anyway, give me the STONE pronto, boy.

DR: It's in my POCKET, but I won't give it to YOU. So I'm gonna LIE and tell you I'm seeing myself winning the HOUSE CUP.

IAN HART takes his TURBAN off and VOLDEMORT aka RICHARD BREMMER is seen there.

RICHARD BREMMER: Hello DANIEL RADCLIFFE, I'm VOLDY. How's MUM and DAD?

DR: I dunno, how's your NOSE?

RB: OMG No one effs with my NOSE, DIE!

FIRE surrounds DANIEL again, and RICHARD BREMMER taunts him about his PARENTS and offers to bring them BACK. DANIEL, who is obviously the GOOD GUY in the movie, saves the day by KILLING IAN HART when he's trying to STRANGLE the boy.

IH: My FAAAACE! AAAARGH!

IAN HART falls to the ground, turning into ASHES. DANIEL is PEEING HIS PANTS IN FRIGHT, and ends up FAINTING when VOLDY's SOUL crashes into him.

**Ext. Hospital Wing**

RH: OMG DANIEL I can't BELIEVE you made it past VOLDY. Of course, it's a SECRET, so the ENTIRE SCHOOL knows about it.

DR: Cool, now I'm MORE FAMOUS. What happened with the STONE?

RH: We DESTROYED it. 'Cause we're GOOD, LEGAL PEOPLE who believe in DEATH.

DR: So not COOL. I wanted to be IMMORTAL.

RH: Oh, and by the way, VOLDY's gonna be back in THREE YEARS. But don't you worry, you'll get through with the help of LOVE.

DR: Doesn't sound too USEFUL, y'know.

**Ext. Great Hall, Slytherin Decorations**

SLYTHERIN people are all looking GREEDIER and NASTIER than usually. GRYFFINDORS look downright PISSED.

RH: Well obviously SLYTHERIN should have won this year, but given I was a former GRYFFINDOR and it PISSES me that those NASTY, BLOOD-ELITIST, SNAKE-LOVER GITS get another HOUSE CUP, I'm gonna give GRYFFINDOR another two A HUNDRED AND FIFTY POINTS to GRYFFINDOR so they can WIN THE HOUSE CUP.

TF: But that's not FAIR! I wanted to WIN!

RG: Suck it, LOSERS.

JAMES PHELPS, OLIVER PHELPS and CHRIS RANKIN: YAAAAAAY!

GRYFFINDORS PARTY HARD in their table, and SLYTHERINS sit with straight faces. They are obviously EXTREMELY ANNOYED. There is a VERY CLICHÉ HAT THROWING. Everyone but the SLYTHERINS is happy.

**Ext. Hogsmeade Station**

EMMA, DANIEL and RUPERT are getting ready to go back to LONDON. ROBBIE COLTRANE is there to say goodbye.

RC: Here's a GIFT fer ye, HARREH.

DANIEL opens the ALBUM and sees there are PICTURES of his PARENTS AND THEIR FRIENDS.

DR: OMG THE EMOTIONS. This is SO nice, ROBBIE. I think I might CRY.

RC: Oh and please make sure you PINCH THAT ARSE OF YOUR COUSIN'S if he gets too annoying.

DR: Sure thing ROBBIE! Goodbye!

DANIEL walks back to EMMA and RUPERT, who are waiting for him inside the train.

EW: It's odd to go back home, isn't it?

DR: Of course I'm not going HOME, EMMA. HOGWARTS is my HOME. Because there's TREACLE TART, and TREACLE TART is awesome.

A LOVELY, CUTE VISION of the HOGWARTS CASTLE and HOGSMEADE STATION. End Credits in.

**THE END**

**_Or, perhaps, To Be Continued..._**

...

**A/N**: Wow, that was long...but really fun to write nevertheless. I've been sick for a few days and I watched the movie today, so I came up with the idea of writing 'Abridged Scripts' for all eight Harry Potter movies. I know I'm not exactly the best humor author around, but I thought I'd give it a shot. Hope you people liked it. :)

**Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets: An Abridged Script** will come soon, so stay tuned! Until then, please review. :)

Eleanor x


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